Like every other setting, this one started with good intentions. I was told that this guy — let’s call him Bobby — was a kind, smart social butterfly who would be a perfect fit for me. The whole thing was arranged by a friend who was about to get married. She planned to introduce me to Bobby at the wedding. Following the classic scheduling strategy, we would sit down together at dinner.
The conversation started off well. We knew a lot of the same people and grew up in similar parts of London. He was charismatic, personable and friendly. A trap… until he got drunk. In fact, he was so drunk that he kept trying to start fights with other revelers on the dance floor. I’m not sure how it happened (did he sneak a drink of vodka into the bathroom?), but soon friends were picking him up, stopping him from falling onto outside tables, and cursing at him when he reappeared.
For a while, I was willing to believe him – a bit drunkenly – and I even tried to reason with him when he told the bride’s sister to “fuck off.” He lifted his head, looked me dead in the eye and said softly, “I don’t care what you think, stupid bitch.”
Obviously, the setup doesn’t always go smoothly. Not everyone you like will get along well, especially in a romantic sense. But when one friend goes so horribly wrong with another, it can be a little awkward, to say the least. Because unlike dating on a dating app, where the consequences are almost pathetically low, with a setup the stakes are always pretty high, and so is the tension. People expect to look their best and make a good impression – and, no matter what happens, you’ll probably see them again. In short, you really don’t want to mess it up. However, it happens all the time.
“While we were dating, one guy fell asleep,” said Annabelle, 32, who is often pestered by her friends and even pestered by her mother twice. “Another guy wondered out loud what I would look like if I wasn’t feeling well. One gentleman told me I should be grateful to be with him because he usually only dates “10/10 hens.” The women I dated questioned my queerness during our dates.
If you don’t like someone your friend (or mom) has set you up with, that’s one thing. A polite “no, thank you” is usually enough to get you out of trouble. But it’s a different story if they start drunkenly cursing you and a few other people. You’re as embarrassed for them as I am. And then there’s the humiliating part: why would anyone think I would be compatible with this intact baboon? By the way, I asked my friend this question and she admitted she hasn’t seen Bobby in years. Note to all setters: make sure your research is up to date.
The thing is, if you ask anyone how they would like to meet someone, most people would say in real life rather than online. We’re all so tired of the vagaries of dating apps that it’s become normal to waste breath laughing at them, so I won’t do that here. I will say that, personally, I’d rather be set up by a friend than go on another disappointing date with a guy from Hinge who’s probably a little boring at best and a bit of a jerk at worst sociopathic. I’m kidding, but my point is that things are so grim in the dating app landscape that friends of friends whose photos I haven’t even seen are more attractive than strangers I have no connection with. Yeah, even after that disastrous marriage arrangement, I still thought that way.
“I would definitely prefer to be trapped rather than be thrown back into online dating,” agrees Annabelle. “It’s weird to be expected to assess compatibility online through some photos and tips. In my experience, there’s no substitute for meeting real people in real life and taking the time to really get to know them.
Being arranged by your friends has the added benefit of putting you in touch with people you wouldn’t click with straight away. “I like this setup because dating apps can be boring,” says Jess, 31. Of course, it helps to know when you’re really ready. “A friend invited me to meet a friend of hers who was visiting Manchester from London,” adds Jess. “We went for a drink and it was really awkward. I found out later it was arranged. I definitely didn’t like him, so it was awkward.
Still, the setup works. I have three friends who are in serious relationships with people they were hooked up with. “I’m a firm believer that your partner will come when you least expect it,” said Nadine, 37. “He sat me next to his sister, who I’d met once or twice before. After chatting for a few hours, he decided to introduce me to his single friend Angus. They exchanged photos and phone numbers. “He contacted us the next day and we made plans to meet up.” They had an instant connection and have now been married for six years.
Sometimes, the arrangement can come from someone extremely unexpected. Take 44-year-old Stacey, for example, who didn’t have love on her mind when she walked into a surf shop in South Wales 15 years ago. “I was talking to the shop owner and he wanted to sell me a very expensive board,” she recalled. “I was 29 and I told them I’d just returned from a trip to Bali, so I couldn’t even afford a sofa. They told me their son had recently returned from a trip and offered to introduce us. I thought he seemed like a nice guy, so his son would be fine too. The following week, Stacey met the surf shop owner’s son for a drink. Today they are married and have two children.”
It’s a hopeful reminder that I’ll stick with what I’ve installed the next time it turns out to be useless. In the meantime, if you know someone…
Names have been changed in this article.
