We are all beginners when it comes to matters of the heart. However, some of us speak with at least some authority. Shon Faye, author of Trans Issues (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), caught our attention. Please contact her at [email protected] for inspirational opportunities.
Dear Shun,
I am in a happy heterosexual relationship with a man. We have a lot in common and I love him very much.’ I was single until I was 30 and had a large group of close friends, some happily single, some non-monogamous, some gay, some married in a small registry office ceremony, some living together but not wanting to get married.
He, on the other hand: All of his friends are straight, engaged and planning big weddings. I attended two of his friends’ weddings this year and the experience left me financially and socially exhausted. Both were in remote locations – one overseas – and both required time off. At the wedding I awkwardly interacted with a few familiar people and my boyfriend. Most days I find myself sitting in the bathroom with a headache. I’m not really an alcoholic and have a lot of social anxiety around new people.
The rest of the girlfriends seemed to know each other. I had the feeling that they didn’t really like me. The one girlfriend I really knew was recently dumped by her friend, and I found myself devastated because she was my social life partner. But I have my own friends too and I don’t understand why I have to accept my boyfriend’s friend’s girlfriend. Sometimes I feel like because I’m bisexual I don’t fit in with them at all. I felt like I was too weird, too strange, too weird in their eyes.
Two of his friends recently got engaged, and I was dreading the news. We are expecting to receive invitations to another wedding soon. Is there a way to tell my boyfriend I don’t want to go? I feel like I’m a terrible girlfriend. But I don’t like them. Ironically, I don’t think he even liked them. He just felt he had to go.
Do I have to swallow my anger for the man I love?
hidden in the toilet
Madhu is hiding in the toilet
I hear you and have been there. Let’s be honest, there’s only one thing straight people love more than Mr. Brightside from Friends and The Killers, and that’s attending each other’s weddings. I remember discovering this fact a few years ago when I was dating a heterosexual guy and hanging out with his college friends. Like you, my own social scene has a more diverse romantic life and very different preferences. Sure, some people had weddings, but weddings were very few and most weddings were low-key. For the uninitiated, friendship groups where large weddings are commonplace can be the culture shock you describe. An expensive one.
I also don’t drink, so I know firsthand how challenging weddings can be on a social level: weddings are a full day of interacting with people you don’t know well, and they tend to get drunk. I’m saying this to reassure you that there’s nothing wrong with hiding in the toilet – it feels normal to me!
I want to pause for a moment and talk about your concern about not being so weird as to be liked by his friends. I haven’t seen any of your interactions, but it’s possible that you’re making a bit of an impression on his friend’s girlfriend. I know this is a stretch (not our kind), and it’s kind of crazy that a lot of opposite-sex friend groups seem to instinctively divide so that women and men are attracted to each other, but, if you’re going to be involved in a relationship of sorts, this is a woman you’ll see all the time. Unless you have a clear example of them being rude or exclusive, I would urge you to give them the benefit of the doubt. Who’s stopping you from doing something we can all do together? You might be surprised by the results, and even if you’re not, you’ll feel just as smug as someone who takes the high moral ground and works things out with their partner’s friends.
As far as attending the wedding goes: If you make it clear to your partner that attending a wedding with people you don’t know well, especially one that might be abroad or require you to take time off work, will not feel like a chore and will be easier for you to do. There may be a compromise here where he can think honestly about which weddings are most important (best friends and family) and, realistically, which weddings he can attend alone. These occasions may have different meanings for him than they do for you (public status as a couple, romantic commitment and celebration). If you can reassure him that you understand his perspective, and that you genuinely want to make an effort with his friend beyond attending the wedding (see my advice above about his friend’s girlfriend), you may be able to work out the best way to negotiate.
Overall, it sounds like you’re coming from a slightly queer environment and trying to adjust to a more heterosexual life. You can balance the two, but any relationship is about compromise and taking on new obligations to your partner’s friends or family, some of which can be downright boring. We usually achieve these goals out of love and recognize the overall benefit from the relationship. As long as you both try to accept each other’s differences and don’t denigrate each other’s ideas of fun or friendship, there’s a way to resolve this here. Compassion and clarity are the way forward – and a little gift for the wedding couple can’t go wrong either!
