A friend of mine met a guy when he was singing karaoke one night. I was supposed to go, but I wasn’t feeling well, so I stayed home and watched Nightcrawler and told my roommates it wasn’t very good, even though I was on my phone the whole time. While the guy was singing her karaoke song “Under the Bridge” she started talking to him and then they sat in the corner and awkwardly talked about mansions for a long time, specifically about a beautiful tiled house in London. As she entered his number into her phone, she said, “I have an Art Pass and I’m not afraid to use it!” because he liked her so much that she allowed him to say such a depressing thing.
When my friend told us all this, I replied in the group chat: Shout… Tell me everything… Show us a picture… Ah, she’s so healthy… I’m so glad it was me, it was me… I want the best for my friends, I promise – but if you saw my face in that moment, I wouldn’t look happy. I curled up in bed like a croissant, scrolling through Instagram to distract myself from the feeling of jealousy, wishing I was there, wondering what would happen if she went and met him.
Can we still meet? Or will I ask rude and embarrassing questions like “How did you meet James?” Will he have a crush on me, or will he think my clothes make it look like I’m trying too hard and the concealer under my eyes is showing? Cream for small bleeding lines? What if he asked me for my phone number and said “I have an art pass and I’m not afraid to use it!” Or will he go and find the rest of his team?
I told my heart to shut up. He always liked her more because she was stunning and beautiful. Maybe I don’t even like her. I literally don’t know who she is. Why should I take it as a competition? I mentally started defending their relationship even though I didn’t know anything about it.
After a while, my friend told us all to calm down: she didn’t think she’d see him again because he hadn’t replied to her until this morning. However last night when we were on a date he said they had a great time and asked if they could do something together soon. However when she got home she messaged him to ask if he got back safely and sent him a picture of cheese toast on her bed. I was frustrated by her concern because by this logic I should end the relationship with a guy who hasn’t gotten back to me in three days. I was consoling her, but I really wanted to turn the conversation towards myself and talk about what I’m going through. I’ve been single for about five years and whenever I get close to someone I run away or they run away and then I’m single again. I want all the girls to chase me and reassure me that it has nothing to do with me – but I don’t because I know it’s annoying. I show every side of me to my friends except this aspect because it’s too ugly even for them.
I know why. You need allies to be single. Whenever I feel nervous, I think about all the single women I know and it makes me feel better because they are some of the most beautiful, fun, interesting people I’ve ever met. I was afraid of what would happen if they got into a relationship; I didn’t want to be left behind. We said to each other, “Don’t you dare get a boyfriend!” It was a joke, but we understood what it meant. There’s more to it than that. Women are taught to compete with each other and are told that they don’t have enough options. There really is no choice. There’s a nice guy at every party, but he might not be happy with his ex-girlfriend.
Comparing yourself to the people around you is never a good idea – we all go our own way. I went to a class with a yoga teacher who always got angry when people in the class looked at each other. They say they always see people doing the right thing, but then they see the person next to them doing something different and lose their balance and try to copy them. You can apply the same logic to romance. In the process of worrying about what other people are doing, you become insecure and go out because there might be attractive people there, not because you really want to, and then you get into an awkward stressful state, you lose energy and come home disappointed. People always say you meet someone “when you least expect it.” It’s annoying. Well, it’s a hope.
When the cold weather comes and cuffing season begins, the stress of finding someone becomes even greater. I wanted to go see a scary movie with someone but was confused about the story because I kept thinking about their hand on my leg. I wanted to spend Sundays in bed drinking hot milk tea and reading a book, then screaming when their cold feet touched mine. I wanted to wear boots, tights, and a big coat and spend the whole day at a bar drinking with someone.
A friend sent a text message saying it had been about a week since the karaoke guy had contacted her. I told her she was an idiot – she shouldn’t take it out on herself because we didn’t know what was going on in her life. Maybe she’s just not in the right frame of mind to meet someone. Even though I hated to admit it, a small part of me felt relieved.
