A few years ago, a friend told me about a message her boyfriend sent to his co-workers. It read: “Your hair looks great.” Confused, she asked him what he meant. “Nothing,” he shrugged. “I was just complimenting it.” My friend tried to ignore it, but the bad feeling remained. They broke up a few months later. She said, “This information wasn’t the only reason, but it didn’t help. I couldn’t dismiss the idea that he was flirting behind my back. I lost trust.”
Of course, complimenting someone doesn’t always mean flirting. For my friends, it comes down to word choice. “If he had said ‘nice haircut,’ I probably wouldn’t have cared so much,” she admits. “But ‘sexy’ sounds sexy. I was already uncomfortable with their relationship — he was messaging her a lot. Seeing these messages confirmed my fears: He definitely wasn’t pursuing her.”
Whether real or perceived, flirting can sow seeds of doubt in a relationship — or, as in my friend’s case, can water the seeds that have already begun to sprout. “It can be damaging to the relationship, especially if it makes one partner feel insecure or disrespected,” confirms Rachel Mamo, a licensed mental health counselor. “Over time, it damages emotional intimacy.”
Flirting or just friendship?
Flirting isn’t always easy to recognize. By its very nature, it’s open to interpretation. A gesture, smile, or emoticon may be used to emphasize something or express a desire for more. “Subtlety is what really makes flirting fun and exciting,” says psychotherapist Suzette Bray.
So the difference between being friendly and flirting depends on intention. “Being nice is about showing kindness, warmth, and genuinely caring about the other person,” explains psychologist Shakira Haywood-Stewart, Ph.D. Flirting, on the other hand, is kindness wrapped in attraction or desire. “Flirting typically involves actions or words that indicate attraction, interest, or attention. It’s usually done in a joking or teasing way, with a hint of sexual tension,” explains Bray.
Innocent Flirting
This all makes sense, but we also know that it can be challenging to discern someone’s true intentions. You can ask, but the other person may not know the full details. For example, my friend and fellow texter boyfriend suspected she was seeking attention: “Looking back, she always needed a lot of validation; no amount was ever enough,” he said. “I don’t think she realized how much of her actions drew attention to her.”
Others still are naturally charming and enjoy engaging in what they consider harmless fun. “For some people, it adds a spark to their life and makes them feel curious and confident,” Bray said. “They may call it ‘innocent’ because it doesn’t mean anything more than a little self-promotion or interesting conversation.”
However, it’s worth noting that most experts say that by definition, flirting is never completely innocent: “There’s always an intention behind flirting, and not everything that has an intention is necessarily innocent,” said psychotherapist Adrienne L. Marshall. “Whether you’re trying to get something you want, trying to look a certain way, or trying to show that you find someone attractive, flirting serves a purpose.”
However, this doesn’t mean that flirting is always negative or wrong. “Some couples may feel aroused by their partner flirting or seeing them flirt,” explains therapist Lauren Orr.
When flirting goes too far
What seems “innocent” to one person may not seem so to another. Although the person initiating the flirt may not have any interest in a deeper friendship, the same cannot be said for the person receiving the flirt. “Flirting can produce feelings such as happiness, desire, passion, and longing,” Marshall says. “Once these feelings start to occur, it’s hard to stop.”
This is where flirting can turn into a slippery slope. “Flirting crosses the line when it moves beyond fun conversation to wanting something more — a deeper emotional connection or potentially physical intimacy,” Bray said.
Plus, if flirting makes your partner uncomfortable, she says, “then it’s beyond the innocence stage.”
Is flirting considered cheating?
A person may feel uncomfortable with their partner’s flirtation, but when does it become an example of infidelity out of mere desperation? It really depends on your relationship — and how you and your partner define infidelity.
Infidelity, like flirting, is subjective. Even those who study it disagree on its parameters — and there is little research on infidelity. In one analysis, researchers found definitions ranging from “any act that your partner does not like, respect, and support” to “any act done in secret” to “any act that is not acceptable to your partner” — secret or not. The researchers concluded: “In general, infidelity is defined as any type of emotional, sexual, or romantic behavior that violates the exclusivity of a romantic relationship.”
Making matters more confusing is that there are many different types of infidelity: physical, emotional, cheating via text messages or online. Within these categories, there’s also a range. For most people, sleeping with someone else is almost universally shamed, while sending a winking emoji is a blurred line. “Flirting exists in a gray area,” agrees Bray.
All of this shows that flirting is only considered cheating when it violates mutually agreed-upon expectations established explicitly or implicitly by the individuals in the relationship. You and your partner (or partners) should figure out what’s most important to them and make sure you’re both on the same page. “There are no hard and fast rules because different relationships have different boundaries,” Bray said. “In some partnerships, flirting is no big deal. In others, flirting is seen as threatening or a breach of trust.”
Flirting and emotional infidelity
Here’s the thing: Even if you and your partner decide it’s okay to have a bit of harmless flirtation once in a while, it’s important to keep the lines of communication open. “If you feel guilty, you’re hiding it, or it’s becoming a pattern, it’s appropriate to address it — either come out publicly or reexamine your behavior and boundaries,” says Bray.
Failure to do so can lead to further separation. “Frequent flirting can create emotional distance between partners. It can also lead to insecurity, jealousy, or suspicion,” says Bray. And this mistrust, in turn, can lead to infidelity.
“It could be something more insidious, like an emotional affair,” Bray said. “Emotional infidelity typically occurs when you begin to rely on people outside the relationship for emotional support, connection, and validation, which competes with or replaces your relationship with your partner. If you find yourself hiding your flirtations or rationalizing why you’re behaving the way you did, that’s a red flag.”
What should you do if your partner flirts?
For this reason, if you notice your partner flirting and it’s bothering you, it’s best to talk about it as soon as possible. “Be straightforward: Share what you see and what you feel,” says Hayward Stewart. This rule applies both ways. “If you find yourself attracted to someone, it’s OK to admit it. We’re only human. It’s important to be honest and emphasize your commitment to your partner. Open communication is also the foundation of a strong relationship that helps anyone. Relationships.
It also shows another important part of a relationship: respect. “Technically flirting may not be cheating, but honestly, it can be dangerously close to disrespect,” Hayward-Stewart added. Your relationship may seem harmless, but ultimately maintain the respect and love that is the basis of your relationship.
